A letter to the people-pleasers: you can’t be all things to all people.

Truth is, people-pleasing is bad for business

Treading the fine line between people-pleasing and customer satisfaction is much easier said than done. Naturally, all business owners want to accept as many clients as possible, put their best foot forward on every project, and maximise client satisfaction at all costs. After all, isn’t that what’s best for business? Not quite…

Unfortunately, working closely with clients, especially in creative, service-based industries, can funnel into people-pleasing behaviour. Instead, finding a balance between meeting client needs and prioritising business growth is key. Ultimately, setting client boundaries can be the difference between succeeding and sinking.

The symptoms of people-pleasing

The pitfalls of people-pleasing are difficult to identify. People-pleasing behaviour stems from a sense of responsibility to make others feel good and supported without considering your own needs. It can also be reflected in a strong desire for approval from others. Lastly, it can mean you undermine your values and associate your self-worth with others’ perception of you.

It’s anything but easy to look in the mirror and reflect on your own habits. Self-reflection, however, is the first step to setting healthy boundaries, both within your business and your life!

Meet Allison KT: a people-pleasing and boundaries coach

Allison Kraweic-Thayer is an entrepreneur, certified mindset coach, and recovered people-pleaser. Allison started her career as a psychology and conflict student at a small liberal arts college and is now the proud founder of The Grounded Empath. Over the years, Allison has learned all about the importance of setting boundaries to heal from people-pleasing. As an expert and recovered people-pleaser herself, she now provides her clients with all the tools needed to cultivate a confident and healthy mindset, and a thriving business.

In our conversation with Allison, she addresses all things people-pleasing, setting boundaries, and knowing your self-worth:

How did you identify "people-pleasing" as what was holding so many people back?

This realisation came from noticing it in myself first. In my early twenties I felt a lack of alignment between how I saw myself, and the way I lived my life. I’d always been a bold, confident person but would frequently find myself in situations that didn’t feel good. (Terrible boyfriends, covering extra shifts while already working 3 jobs as a college student, biting my tongue in disagreements). I noticed how much I was editing myself for those around me. And how much I was losing myself in the process.

As I learned more about people-pleasing, (which is also beginning to be referred to as “self-abandoning”), it was so obvious to me that’s what I was doing.

The biggest shift came for me when I realised something I don’t think many do. Repeated people-pleasing tells ourselves that we are inferior. Every time I bit my tongue and adjusted to keep others happy or not “rock the boat”, I was telling myself: “Their comfort is more important than yours.” Once I realised that…. oooof. I couldn’t continue doing that to myself.

I wish it would have been a *snap your fingers you’re healed* situation, but unfortunately there is a lot of unlearning and relearning that needs to happen. It is possible though!

How can someone tell if they're a people-pleaser?

The intention behind your action determines whether you are people-pleasing, or simply being a kind, supportive person. Let’s look at an example:

You are hiring a photographer for an event. You post online and your uncle replies that he has a pretty good camera and is willing to take pictures. However, you know he’s not the right fit for the event and you’ll need to tell him you’re going with someone else.

If your inner dialogue looks something like this:

“It’s so sweet that Uncle Jim offered to help out. I know his style isn’t quite what we’re looking for here. I’ll send him a message to thank him and let him know we’ll be going with someone else.”

You are probably just being a kind, supportive person.

If it looks a bit more like this:

“Oh man. He isn’t the right fit but I can’t make him feel bad. And my mom probably saw the comment so she’ll ask about it too. He’s family. I don’t want to make things awkward. Maybe I’ll just let him do it? Or maybe I’ll lie and say we aren’t doing the event after all?”

You might be falling into people-pleasing.

The difference here is that in the first example, you are rooted in love and you are choosing clear communication. You aren’t trying to save your uncle or worrying about his feelings. You aren’t making assumptions about his reaction or anyone else’s. You’re simply responding to the situation.

In the people-pleasing example you are falling into something referred to as “Emotophobia” - the fear of negative emotions. You are worried about his feelings, your mom’s feelings, and even your broader family’s feelings because you’re assuming they’ll respond negatively. You employ what I call “defensive niceness” to keep something bad from happening.  

How can people-pleasing be detrimental to the success of a small business?

People-pleasing as a small business owner is far more common than we realise, and often we try to package it in a “pretty” way, but that doesn’t change what it is.

“Being a perfectionist” is often rooted in self-doubt. So is “being super flexible” or worrying about “being salesy”. I’ve been there, you’re on a sales call and the person thinks it’s too expensive or wants to change up parts of the offer… so in the name of “good customer service” you give a discount, or cut something out.

When you do this, you are not standing in your authority as a business owner. You are letting other people know they can push you around a little, and in the end, it could cost you big, like $8k big, as it did for a woman I know.  

This woman provided social media content services for a non-profit. At the beginning of the agreement she “didn’t want to be difficult” so she didn’t put a contract in place. Fast forward to today, she is coming to terms with the fact that she will probably never see the $8000 that she is owed for the work she did for them.

Our audience are client-first service providers, think wedding planners, interior designers, and personal stylists. In client-focused work, what is the importance of setting client boundaries?

Client boundaries are critically important! Especially if you’re in a relationship where they are contacting you outside of organised sessions. You deserve time off and time unplugged just like everyone else. Many of my clients are in real estate and are contending with the need to be constantly available to clients, no matter what. I once spoke with a man who missed a really sweet moment at his son’s wedding because he had stepped out during dinner to take a client call. Clients are important of course, but remember that you are a human as well and life is bigger than just your work.

Can setting boundaries compromise client satisfaction?

This is where I recommend letting boundaries be flexible and/or providing context. I’ve heard horror stories from friends, one whose coach decided to move to Bali 1 month into a 6 month arrangement and now would only be available for calls between 9pm and 1a local time for my friend. The coach was entirely unwilling to shift this boundary and expected everyone to adjust around her. Understandably, my friend (the client) definitely had their satisfaction compromised.

However, it is possible for boundaries to be flexible too. I always tell clients that boundaries can be a tall cement wall with barbed wire at the top, or they can be like a gentle row of sunflowers separating your yard from the neighbours. You might have a boundary that you prefer not to work on weekends. However, the dreamiest dream client is booked solid and only available to meet to discuss their wedding planning on Saturdays. You can choose to adjust that boundary in this case, without letting it go entirely.  

It is also helpful to provide context, if it feels relevant. Perhaps a client repeatedly pushes you for an afternoon meeting when you have deliberately set your schedule up to be done by 2pm. It could be helpful to share your reasoning with them to help them understand. Perhaps you say something like: “I know you’d like to shift our meeting time to 4pm, but as I’ve stated, I am not available after 2pm. I pick up my kids at 2:30p and am fully present in family time from then on.” This helps the client feel heard and will likely also get them to stop pressuring for a later meeting.  

How can female entrepreneurs confidently stand up for themselves without losing clients?

Setting boundaries and standing up for yourself is never about being mean, or being right, or proving anything. I always encourage clients to come into those experiences envisioning their neutral Higher Self. The Ego often wants to get defensive and fight back, but this is generally not what you want as a business owner. If that anger starts to well up, take a breath and decide if now is the best time for the conversation.

If it seems like you are too activated to navigate calmly, perhaps say: “I hear what you are saying and need some time to work through my thoughts and feelings. Could we reconnect tomorrow to talk about this?”

If clients are turned off by you standing up for yourself, ask yourself if this is a client you really want to have on your roster.

You emphasise the importance of cherishing yourself. What does this mean to you as a female business owner?

To me, cherishing yourself is about loving yourself unconditionally. It’s not “I’ll love myself when I finally book that one year retainer client.” Or “I’ll finally feel validated in my business when I book a $20k event.” Or, “I need to be booked out for the whole season before I feel like I’m good enough.”

All of this people-pleasing healing starts with the mindset, and when your mindset is one of cherishing yourself like the once-in-a-lifetime gift that you are… you tend not to get sucked into people-pleasing.

In my life as a female business owner who cherishes herself, this looks like: having a weekly schedule that works for me (no calls on Mondays or Fridays), not pressuring myself to hit posting goals on social media, not taking it personally if someone says no when I make an offer, trusting myself and my ideas enough to show up online talking about them, saying what I want to say in my content and not worrying about what people will say, to name a few ways.

Allison's 3-step guide to implementing healthy client boundaries

Step 1: Discovering what's important to you

Figure out what boundaries feel necessary and why. Like the earlier example, are you picking up kids and not available for calls later in the day? Or maybe you know you function better with a slow morning, so you don’t take any calls till after lunch. Maybe you’re in interior design, and you desire boundaries around the edits your clients can make before there are additional charges. (It’s one thing to swap out a piece of art, and another thing to totally change the direction and require you to basically re-do your work).  

Step 2: Communicating your boundaries

Plan what you want to say, and for how they may react. It’s helpful to have a plan going into the conversation. Knowing what you want to communicate and how you’d like to move forward gives you an excellent place to ground in the conversation. You can also plan for how they may respond. Perhaps you need to set a boundary with a bride who is violating your “office hours” boundary by calling you at all hours of the day. Of course you want the conversation to go smoothly, but what if it doesn’t? How will you respond if she takes it personally or gets upset? Those kinds of unknowns can feel super frightening, so do yourself a favour and just make some mental notes ahead of time.

Step 3: Getting in the right headspace

Remember your worthiness to set this boundary and tune into it before the conversation. If you’re a people-pleaser, you may very well try to talk yourself out of setting the boundary. Tune into that energy of cherishing yourself. You deserve to set this boundary and how other people react is more telling of them. Give yourself time before the chat to get in your most confident headspace. Make sure you feel grounded and connected to what you want to say. I also recommend having some space planned for after the conversation to decompress and process.